Friday 16 June 2006
I cannot believe the outpouring of love, here, in email, on the phone, in person from friends that are @media. I have to possibly be the luckiest person alive to have the good fortune to be so cared about in this world.
For scaring everyone I am truly sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. Depression is a nasty, horrible place.
I think that people sometimes wonder how I can risk my professional much less personal stature in the world by being so blatantly open about who and what I am. Most people keep their pain inside, or aren’t comfortable expressing it in such a public place as a blog.
For me, living my life authentically means more than anything. That is my first truth. Interestingly, my authenticity has rarely, if ever harmed my professional life. If anything, it’s done the opposite. I don’t exactly understand why, but I am very grateful for that.
After my talk today, which I really enjoyed because of the interest and enthusiasm of the fantastic @media audience, I felt a lifting of the sorrows and a sense that I was surrounded, both physically and virtually, by a family so large and loving it far surpasses anything I could have imagined existed in this world. For each of you who wrote to me and here on my blog, called, came by, and messaged, I wish all that is good to be returned to you, and that if you’re having trouble, you can talk to me, too.
You all have treated me with such compassion during one of the darkest times of my life. Whether I’ve met you or don’t know you at all, I have to say that I feel stronger today than I have in a long time. I think I hit bottom, and I guess that’s part of the process of learning how to heal.
Now, the challenge I face is to make restitution toward the people I have harmed with my fear and my pain, how I lashed out at certain people close to me who should never have had to bear the brunt of my cruelty and anger. I believe I can honor myself by honoring this profound love that I have been gifted by each of you, and I plan to do that with the following actions:
- Stop drinking, completely
- See or talk with my therapist regularly, no matter where I am in the world
- Seek medical care for my situation
- Own my wrongdoings toward others and do right by people
- Modify my travel and workload to allow for better self-care
I’m sure I will think of others, but the point is that it is you, my tribe, my friends, my colleagues, my family, have helped me more than I think I will ever be able to say in words. Again, to you all, my deepest gratitude and I love you, each and every one (even the obnoxious troll).