Wednesday 28 September 2005

Moments of Doubt and Glory

IT’S 5:00 AM IN SYDNEY and in just a few hours I am going to do something I’ve never done: keynote a conference, in this case the highly regarded Web Essentials 2005 event. Many readers are well aware that I’ve been on the conference circuit for a very long time, and have enjoyed many opportunities to speak to peers about topics I love, to learn from others in the process, and to travel the world while doing so.

But a keynote talk is a major milestone in my life, for a few reasons. We all have our times of doubt, and the last few years haven’t been easy ones in that regard for me. Just because a person seems to be successful doesn’t necessarily mean he or she feels that way. In fact, I’ve felt very unfocused, deeply confused as to who I am and my place in my profession and the role I play, and have felt the wear and tear of too much hard living and work burnout. At many levels, I feel unworthy of such an honor, much less one that is coming from such a highly regarded group. On the other hand, I know I’ve put in so many years and passion as an evangelist and teacher about Web technologies and the Web itself that at some point the recognition is something I do deserve.

Funny how we are, isn’t it? We get something great in life and question whether we’re worthy, even when everyone around us believes we are. We get something bad in life, and we complain, but we often are the cause of the bad thing or in those cases where we’re not, we feel responsible at some level, or that we deserve bad. This is a mindset I see in almost everyone I know – it’s a rare and valuable thing to have self-esteem. I’ve always been good at coming off as though I have it, but I don’t. What I do have is a certain cockiness and fuck-the-naysayers mentality, and that’s what’s gotten me to this point.

I guess what I want to express here is that I’m pretty blown away to be honored in such a way. I want to be worthy of this honor and I want to rock that audience later today as best as I can with as much passion and all the love I have for people, for my peers, and for my readers and supporters who have helped me get to this place that many speakers and authors never get to. My own mother told me last week that it was something she had always wanted to achieve: to keynote an event within her profession, and it’s something she never did achieve. She also told me that now I, as her daughter, am able to achieve that dream for her as well.

So I hope you’ll indulge me in a toast on this very important day in my life.

Here’s to my wonderful hosts here in Australia, to serving my peers and community with passion and pride, to giving my mother the piece of something she’d always wanted but never achieved, and to rising above my own self-doubts and feeling the glory and goodness of achievement that we all deserve.

Thank you all for helping me to achieve this day.

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Posted by:   Molly | 12:29 | Comments (56)